COULD IT BE HERE ?

Humor is merely tragedy standing on its head with its pants torn.

Irvin S. Cobb

CARTOON

Ten Years Alone

This guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years.

One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closerand he thinks, "It's not a raft.

" Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She comes up to the guy and she says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years!" he says. She reaches over, unzips this waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man , oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey? "He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?" And the mans replies, "My God! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"

As contributed by our reader-cum-jockey R.V.

 

Today's Horse Race

At the post in today's race are......................

(1)Passionate Lady

(2)Bare Belly

(3)Silk Panties

(4)Conscience

(5)Jockey Shorts

(6)Clean Sheets

(7)Thighs

(8)Big Dick

(9)Heavy Bosom

(10)Merry Cherry

And they're off................Conscience is left behind at the post.

Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry.

Heavy Bosom is being pressured.

Passionate Lady is caught between Thighs and Big Dick is in a very dangerous spot.

At the halfwaymark............It's Bare Belly on top, Thighs open and Big Dick is pressed in. Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets.

Passionate Lady andThighs are working hard on Bare Belly.

Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Dick.

At the stretch......... Merry Cherry cracks under the strain. Big Dick is making a final dive. Bare Belly is in and Passionate Lady is coming.

At the finish........... It's Big Dick giving everything he's got.

Passionate Lady takes everything Big Dick has to offer.

It looks like a dead heat but......Big Dick comes through with one final thrust.....and wins by a head..........

Bare Belly shows..........

Thighs weakens..........

Heavy Bosom pulls up..........

and Clean Sheets never had a chance.

As contributed by our reader J.

 

Virus Alerts

Lewinsky Virus:

Sucks all the memory out of your computer,

then e-mails everyone about what it did.

Kenneth Starr Virus:

Competely examines every aspect of your computer,

then compiles a complex report that discredits every

aspect of your computer.

Ronald Reagan Virus:

Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

Mike Tyson Virus:

Quits after two bytes.

Spits everything out.

Oprah Winfrey Virus:

Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100MB,

then slowly expands to 200 MB.

Dr. Jack Kevorkian Virus:

Deletes all old files.

Ellen Degeneres Virus:

Disks can no longer be inserted.

Titanic Virus:

Your whole computer goes down.

Disney Virus:

Everything in your computer goes Goofy.

Prozac Virus:

Screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.

Joey Buttafuoco Virus:

Only attacks minor files.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus:

Terminates zome viles, leaves, but it vill be baaack.

Lorena Bobbit Virus:

Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy,

then discards it through Windows.

Viagra Virus:

Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.